As the days grew closer to the departure date, I became anxious and wrought with worry…worried that I wouldn't return to Modjadjiskloof, worried that Jesus would leave me in the dark about my future. Some of my expectations for this trip was that He would use it to plan out my future. Never have I been so wrong. He did the exact opposite. In fact, He broke me. But, when He broke me, He freed me. He freed me of worry, of anxiety and of doubt. He did though, tell me over and over again that I am His precious daughter. He doesn't let those who cling, love and run to Him wander around aimlessly through life. He blesses and provides for His children, giving them a full and adventurous life.
Not only did He break me, but He filled me with even more love for the kids. And amidst all of the craziness, I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with Him. My comfort, my shelter, my hope and future. He became my everything. It's funny though because I was expecting Him to do something breathtakingly miraculous with this trip. Instead, He was love. Ever present, overwhelming, intoxicating love. He wrapped me in His arms and showed me my selfishness, pettiness and just how much I don't trust Him. He showed me how deceitful and dark my heart is, but at that exact moment, pulled me up out of that darkness and showered me with comfort.
I know that I can't close or open any doors, only Jesus can do that, but I also know that He gives us the desires of our hearts. My desire is to be a missionary. To serve others, and to let Jesus use me so that others might see Him in me.
Over the past couple of days, He has been telling me that He will guide my every step, and that there is nothing to fear, for fear is from the devil. My Savior reigns over my life, and because of that, I have peace.
I have no idea if I will return to this beautiful country, but if Jesus wants me back here, then He will make a way and make it clear to me.
Amen. :)
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