His promise

Two days since returning from South Africa. Nothing has ever been so hard.
But Jesus has been reminding me of a couple of verses. The first one being Romans 8:28~ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. The other one being Jeremiah 29:11-12~ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

Even though I want to be back in SA more than anything, I know that Jesus has me where He wants me. His timing is perfect, absolutely spotless. And because He has promised to give me a future, and a hope, I can rest. I can enjoy my time at Marshall, and be His hands and feet there as well. In some senses, it will be harder to be His hands and feet at Marshall than in Modjadjiskloof, South Africa. But He is right beside me, taking my hand every morning and guiding me through the day.
I am excited, though. Excited because I know that He has so much planned for me, more than I am able to imagine.

Free, at last.

As the days grew closer to the departure date, I became anxious and wrought with worry…worried that I wouldn't return to Modjadjiskloof, worried that Jesus would leave me in the dark about my future. Some of my expectations for this trip was that He would use it to plan out my future. Never have I been so wrong. He did the exact opposite. In fact, He broke me. But, when He broke me, He freed me. He freed me of worry, of anxiety and of doubt. He did though, tell me over and over again that I am His precious daughter. He doesn't let those who cling, love and run to Him wander around aimlessly through life. He blesses and provides for His children, giving them a full and adventurous life.
Not only did He break me, but He filled me with even more love for the kids. And amidst all of the craziness, I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with Him. My comfort, my shelter, my hope and future. He became my everything. It's funny though because I was expecting Him to do something breathtakingly miraculous with this trip. Instead, He was love. Ever present, overwhelming, intoxicating love. He wrapped me in His arms and showed me my selfishness, pettiness and just how much I don't trust Him. He showed me how deceitful and dark my heart is, but at that exact moment, pulled me up out of that darkness and showered me with comfort.

I know that I can't close or open any doors, only Jesus can do that, but I also know that He gives us the desires of our hearts. My desire is to be a missionary. To serve others, and to let Jesus use me so that others might see Him in me.

Over the past couple of days, He has been telling me that He will guide my every step, and that there is nothing to fear, for fear is from the devil. My Savior reigns over my life, and because of that, I have peace.

I have no idea if I will return to this beautiful country, but if Jesus wants me back here, then He will make a way and make it clear to me.

A child of the King

Today, we went to visit Wendy’s mother who is in the hospital. She has AIDS and is dying. She has been doing better but is still extremely sick. She is sitting up, laughing, talking and even eating. Last week, she wasn’t even able to talk. When Wendy was standing beside her mother’s bed, she appeared fine. She was sad, but not wrought with grief. It’s so odd. To be able to stand beside her mother who is dying and not have a complete breakdown, is almost incomprehensible. I know for me personally, that if my mother was in the hospital dying, I would barely be able to walk into the hospital. I wouldn’t be able to see her in a bed, wasting away; it would destroy me. But a relative dying is so common here. It’s an everyday occurrence, forcing the kids to shove their emotions down and keep going as if life is perfectly fine. It breaks my heart, that these young children are afraid to cry when their mother or father die for fear of being scolded.

But Jesus still reigns here, and is working in this place. I have seen Him provide and love these children that have lost parents. He is bigger than AIDS and poverty, and from that I draw my strength and hope. That doesn’t mean that we leave these children alone, though. Jesus adopted us into His family, so it makes sense that we do the same and adopt children with no parents into ours. Being here, at the children’s village, I am able to see how Jesus takes these lost and broken children and brings them into a place of love and acceptance. I am thankful and grateful that He has allowed me to be a part of His plan for them.

A day in the life.

So, this is what I have been doing here in Modjadjiskloof, South Africa.

Wake up around seven o'clock and then walk down to Pfunanane Academy.
Then, from eight to one, Sarah and I tutor and teach in Sarah Haver's ACE classroom.

After school, I help the kids with their homework, which usually takes a good hour.
The remaining part of the afternoon consists of attending to errands, and the kids either swimming or running around, riding bikes and playing soccer.

Also, since we arrived right after the neighbors moved, we have been busy moving into the house, cleaning it, and painting it. Sarah and I spend quite a bit of time working at the house doing any of the previously mentioned activities. For the past four days, we have been vigorously painting.

Then dinner time rolls around. The kids eat here three days out of the week (Mon-Thurs they eat at Ivy's, who works for the school and lives right above the cottage), so we make dinner, and make sure everyone has bathed and is ready for bed.

So there you have it.
Amidst the daily routine, Jesus has been doing extraordinary things at Pfunanane, at the children's village and in the lives of those who minister here.

I praise and thank Him for what He has been allowing me to do, no matter how small of a task it may be.

His faithfulness

Sometimes, when we feel as if nothing will work out, and nothing will come to pass, Jesus surprises us with a miracle. But, the fact that He does this humbles me beyond words. He is all-powerful, all-mighty and all-knowing, but we doubt, question and think that He has forsaken us. It is at that moment that He provides in a way that we never thought possible.

I myself have been guilty of this many times. Especially with the new house for the kids, having the money needed to go on the trip, and having someone else to go with me. I was so sure that nothing would work out, and that everything would crumble. But amidst my unbelief and doubt, Jesus loved me more. He provided the house for the children's village, provided the money needed to outfit the house, provided the money needed to return to South Africa and provided Sarah Ogle, who is one of the best accomplices one could ever have. He has also provided for Pfunanane like nothing else. He has brought so much support in, and more and more people are becoming interested in the school and visiting.

I cannot begin to even sing enough of His praises and what He has done. I am overjoyed in what He has done and that He has provided so much. He has also loved me more and move aside from my struggling heart... what a good and gracious heavenly Father we serve.

Now, we are certain that He will give us a Quantum. When He will, we have no clue. This car (it's more like a bus) will give Sarah the ability to easily transport the children. With the Quantum, everyone will be able to attend church and go everywhere together. Please pray that Jesus will provide one soon.

A divided heart

Recently, Jesus has been teaching me many things. One of the things He has been teaching and revealing to me is that being a missionary means to have a divided heart. A heart that is torn between two places. Home, and the place God has called you to be. After I came back from South Africa last year, I longed to come back. To be here with the kids and to be back in this beautiful country. I felt as if my heart was here. The wonderful thing about our gracious heavenly Father is that not only does He give us the desires of our heart, but He instructs and teaches us and shapes us along the way. He has taught me that my heart isn't in one place, but rather wherever He puts me. While here, I do miss home, but I have begun to realize that Jesus gives us the ability to minister wherever we are to whomever He has put in our life.
It's kind of a "duh" statement, but it's something He has been telling me. It is a feeling a calm and peace knowing that wherever you are, Jesus will guide you and give you the ability to minister.